It is a simple enough word, but heavy in its meaning. Rage as defined by Merriam-Webster is violent and uncontrolled anger. For me, it is an intense feeling of anger followed by massive amounts of guilt for even feeling that angry. Adrenaline floods through my system as negative self talk plays like a broken record within my skull. Outwardly though? I try my best to appear calm and collected, a mask, so to speak.
Postpartum Progress has a wonderful piece about Postpartum Rage, that was the first piece I read when I began having these intense feelings. I mean, I should not be getting angry that my husband is attending school. Or that my children leave their toys on the ground. Upset at some things? Yes, oh yes. But not this rage. This uncomfortable to talk about rage that left me feeling so guilty.
How could I even get help for this? How do I explain that I am filled with so much anger that my flight or fight responses are triggered?
So I placed the call once again to my savior, Maj Gonzalez.
“You are not the first person to feel like this, and you are NOT the last.“
This woman, she is a saint. I feel like I don’t deserve such a good person to be on my side sometimes. She begins to inform me of the many aspects of postpartum depression that are less common, but no less serious. This rage I was feeling was another symptom to add to what I have been struggling to cope with for months now.
Within 15 minutes she has my prescription updated and has listened patiently to me as I sobbed into the receiver. Her gentle demeanor and kind words were exactly what I needed to hear, as it was more like my Mom or my Nana whispering words of encouragement to make it all little easier to bear.
No person is meant to do a job 24 hours a day, which is why being a stay at home parent can be hard for some individuals. For me, it has become so hard…so much harder than anything I have done. This anger has made this job, the one I have chosen and the one I have been graced to fulfill, so much harder to handle. But I know that I must overcome it in order to be the mother I want to be to my children. I must be the victor!
So if you begin to feel uncontrollable rage or anger, you can seek help for it. This mother did, and I am hopeful that I can continue on the path towards healing.
Helpful Information and Links:
Here are some links that I found to be so helpful when educating myself on postpartum depression and its many symptoms.