A Pinup and a Wave of Light

October 15 was a beautiful day in its sadness. Mother’s across the world shared in their grief and loss through the lighting of a candle. You see, October the 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

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My Facebook and Instagram feeds filled with videos, gifs, and photos of women pouring their hearts out through the simple act of lighting a candle. Simple, and yet so profound in its importance. It showed each mother that you are not alone. Hundreds, thousands, and even millions of women know the heartache of losing a little one. You are not alone, you are not alone.

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We all feel grief differently, but we do all grieve. It can be lasting, poignant, sharp, and dull like a spoon carving into our souls. But we do all grieve. For many families, this grief is silent. Cutting deeper each time someone asks something like “When are you two going to start a family?” or “When is little Oliver getting a sibling?” We do not know the struggle each family has faced, so this was a beautiful was to show our grief. To show the depth of our struggle and pain.

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On that night, a single candle blazed in my home. Softly in its luminescence but brilliantly in its beauty. It signified that first pregnancy for my husband and I. That first time we sat in front of a monitor waving the positive test at Michael’s parents. That first time we thought “HOLY MACKEREL! We are going to have a baby!” That first ultrasound followed much quickly by that cold ER room. The looks of pity. The feeling of emptiness. Those first were hard to bear, and the scars still linger on in my heart and soul. But I embrace them, because they also have shown me how precious each moment is.

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