A Pinup Still Feels Rage

In a couple of my baby/mommy groups I keep seeing posts about postpartum rage. It has been a while since I discussed my rage issues, but I felt it was high time I had.

See, I still deal with it. Daily.

My daughter begins to cry for the 237 time in ten minutes and I start to feel it.

That boiling anger.

My son brings down Legos from his bedroom after being told hundreds of times not to and I start to slip.

White hot rage is not a good feeling. It makes me feel as if my self control has been stolen from me while I wasn’t looking. And after I have given into yelling? I feel guilt, intense and thick, coat my entire insides.

I’ve tried so many ways to cope, but the biggest thing I have found has been talking about it. Acknowledging the fact that I still need a little help coping with my anger, and even talking about that guilt that I feel.

However, I do hate the fact that Ben will be 1 in just a couple short weeks and I still struggle with my rage.

But here is the thing, mental illness is not something that you can just fix overnight. You have to work hard to continue down that path to healing. Finding what works for you takes time and effort. Self care, for me, has been the most important aspect to my path.

Things like writing, setting my hair, reading, and even cleaning are all ways that I give back to myself. And to take it all a step further, I have recently begun a weight lifting regimen with my husband.

Taking turns, doing our sets, and challenging each other helps not only to get us healthy but I’ve also found myself extremely happy about that time I get to spend with him. It’s not just sitting on the couch watching Queer Eye or That 70s Show, it’s hard work that reinvigorates us. Makes us feel strong and full of life.

So to you mommas out there who are just now starting to feel those white hot flashes or (like me) feel like you give into yelling more often than not, know that you are not alone.

Because I too, still struggle.

1 thought on “A Pinup Still Feels Rage”

  1. Thank you for talking so openly about anger and rage – it’s something that women often shy away from speaking about, and you’re right in that writing and talking about it can be a big help. Bottling it up and holding on to guilt and shame can be so toxic and work to create a (seemingly) never ending cycle. We all feel angry from time to time, we all feel rage from time to time, and we also all need a little extra help sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that.

    Sending you so much love and so many hugs.


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