Lately I have had my thoughts troubled. Plagued by incessant fears that roll over and over through my head.
Will I cut off my finger while cooking?
Will any of my children get sick?
What if something happens to them?
What if something happens to my husband?
These fears have become a mantra for me, playing over and over in my head. Just when I thought I had beaten my depression, another aspect of mental illness rears it’s ugly head.
Then a few nights ago I had my first full blown panic/anxiety attack. I had just read something horrible on Facebook. It involved a woman visiting her child’s grave for the first time. Her daughter was a mere 18 months when she passed and it hit me hard. I have four children and feel like the odds are stacked against us. I constantly worry that something bad will take one of my babies away from me. And what started as a worry became me sobbing clutching my husband as my heart and head raced round and round in circles until I felt as if one of them would burst all the while breathing like I was running a marathon. When it finally subsided I felt brittle, like the smallest breeze would break my new fragile exterior.
But why? Why is this happening?
I admit, I have an unhealthy obsession with Facebook and it’s neverending feed of dismay and unhappiness. Which in a way has contributed to my feelings of anxiety.
So what now? Well…I decided to take a step back from social media, limit how much negative information I read, and seek more mental health attention. Our big move really set me off track in terms of seeing a doctor and therapist but I am making that decision to honor my promise to myself and fill my cup first.