Depression

A Pinup Says Goodbye

When a life ends, it hits you with the power to shatter your heart. All of the memories, happiness, and dreams of what will now never be pour throughout your entire being, leaving little room for much else.

That’s how I describe how I feel with my first loss. Yes, I have been blessed to have never lost a loved one. But in my heart of hearts, I now know that this is just the first of many.

The year I got Konerko was also the year I went through my divorce, lost the custody of my son, and began intensive therapy to address my sexual trauma related PTSD. In short, it was the hardest year of my life. I poured so much love into my relationship with Konerko, which is part of the reason he was such a damn good dog.

His silly antics when I brushed him would always make me smile, because no matter what he would try to turn a brushing session into a tummy scratching.

His obsession with catching lights that would entertain us for hours on end. Pouncing and racing after the little red dot on the ground, or the light reflected from a mirrored surface while his tail wagged crazily.

And even his ears. His ears were his biggest insight into his feelings. Content ears were the ones he got when he was relaxed and happy. Happy ears were the ones he got as his tail wagged with happiness over the laser light on the ground. And even his sad ears. The ones he got when you were crying, and he would lay his big old paw on your leg and stare deep into your eyes. When he looked at you with those big old ears you couldn’t help but smile.

Goodbye, my beautiful Rokers. I am so sorry that the cancer took hold of you so fast. That we didn’t catch it sooner. I feel cheated because we barely had any time with you, that the seven short years I did have were filled with too many chores and not enough beach days. That I didn’t throw a stick for you every day. That I didn’t buy every laser I ever came across so you could chase them to your heart’s content. I’m sorry that I didn’t take more time out for walks, tummy scratches, and making those content ears happen more often.

Goodbye.

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