A Pinup is Sick

It started with a fever, a persistent fever that sapped my strength and energy. The fever was never very high, but wracked my body with aches and pains.

Then I noticed the swollen lymph nodes. Behind my right ear was the worst. It was so swollen that it bulged out of my head. An ER visit left me disheartened, as I was given Mobic and told to go home and rest.

Two nights later, I found myself riding in an ambulance with excruciating chest pain. I believed I was having a heart attack! When blood work and EKGs showed no sign of a heart attack I was given a CT scan to try and see if a blood clot was causing the pain.

Shortly after, I was told something that no one wants to hear. While holding the hands of the wonderful Key Spouses who rushed to the ER to be with me, I was told there were masses throughout my chest, and my spleen was swollen. Those coupled with my other symptoms are pointing to one culprit in particular…cancer. Those words made me honestly wish I had had the heart attack.

I have had multiple tests, doctor’s visits, and enough pokes and prods to last me a while…and it’s still on going. Chest biopsies and PET scans are to be performed next and honestly I cannot wait. The pain in my body is intense and I am ready for an end to it.

But the worst of all, is the anxiety. Trying to wrap my head around the pain while also trying to cope with the surges of pure panic is impossible. Pure undiluted panic floods through my body several times a day, especially when my pain flares up.

I have also become very anxious about failing my husband and my children. I am so fatigued that I spend hours a day sleeping. Wasting time I could be spending making holiday memories, all because I am either too tired or too hurt to move. But through it all my husband and kiddos have been my wonderful caregivers!

I hope to report soon that I just had a really bad illness that was cured with antibiotics. That the scans were just wrong, that the pain I’m feeling has faded. That I can take a breath without my chest burning. That was all just a nightmare.

Until then,

Bella ❤️

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